In Celebration of the Life of Camilla Carr
Reflecting on the life and work of one of our storytellers
Last week, we shared that Camilla Carr, one of our storytellers, and a dear friend of The Forgiveness Project, has died. This week, we are offering more reflections on her life from Sandra Barefoot, our Creative Co-Lead, and some of her many friends and storytellers from our RESTORE prison programme; Marian Partington, Peter Woolf, Gethin Jones, Anne-Marie Cockburn, Angela Findlay, and Jason Grant.
A tribute to Camilla Carr by Sandra Barefoot
“Camilla was an extraordinary and treasured friend and colleague, who emanated light, sunshine, laughter and tender kindness from the very core of her being. I had worked alongside Camilla in RESTORE since 2009, and it was a true honour and privilege to witness her telling her story with such embodied aliveness; inviting each man and woman to imagine entering the cellars of captivity with her and experience the incredible tools she developed to survive. I can see her now in HMP Peterborough prison, standing in the middle of the room surrounded by twenty men, re-enacting a mindful practice she did every day in captivity to bring love into the darkest places: ‘I love you bars, I love you walls, I love you window, I love you light’. I remember the silence held until one person after another shared their connection and astonishment of how she had survived: ‘What I am going through is nothing. You, Camilla, gave a different perspective, and I was actually there in the cellar with you and felt all the uncertainty you felt’. So many would echo; ‘I’m so grateful to hear your story Camilla, it gives me hope to live and I realise I have not dealt with all my forgiveness’.
In 2013, I invited Camilla and Jon to explore a new arts project I had initiated with my dearest colleagues and musical director Hugh Nankivell and Sarah Moody called 'Conflict and Forgiveness: A Musical Conversation'. This project ran for two years and was held in partnership with REMIX (young musicians initiative) based at the former Colston Hall in Bristol, funded by Youth Music. This project set out to explore how the power of the stories shared at The Forgiveness Project could be translated through the arts and offer a different conversation, especially for younger audiences. As young musicians, artists and singers listened to Camilla and Jon share their story, they were inspired to create their own unique musical scores and songs out of stones, sticks and match boxes – objects that Camilla and Jon had available to them whilst in captivity. We witnessed Camilla’s laughter, joy and utter delight as she sang and danced with everyone in performances that finally led us to WOMAD festival in 2014.
Camilla shared with me how, for her, this experience was one of the most important moments in the art of her storytelling. We vowed together that one day we would place the arts at the core of The Forgiveness Project, through which we could offer a different way for others to feel and experience the stories we share.
As I sense Camilla's flight, hear her laughter, and remember her basking in sunlight whilst leaning against a rock together in the wild landscape of Dartmoor, I can hear her words: 'you are a manifester Sandra. Through the arts we merge energetically as human beings. When we paint, do arts, it's so exciting to see all these different ideas; it develops into something else, a shared ownership, a shared creativity, that's what it's all about. I want to stand into the world of conflict with others in different realms; our ancestors, not just the physical. This is what connects us.’
As I gently return to my notebook, I find this page from the last prison programme I led with Camilla, and I discover this doodle I drew. As I look at this, I think of Camilla’s love of RESTORE and the arts. Camilla embodied singing, dancing, painting, writing and seeking solace in the waters of rivers, seas, mountains, sunshine, winds and rain. I hear her echoes from our last conversation together in January this year whilst on her hospital bed saying: ‘the creative arts Sandra speaks to the essence of me and always has – the spirit of creativity is the spark of my life, of my way of being, that’s what being human is’.”
A Circle of Prayer in Gratitude for the Life of Camilla Carr by Marian Partington
Camilla’s death brought me back to her book: The Sky is Always There: Surviving a Kidnapping in Chechnya, published in 2008, ten years after the wrenching 14 months of being in captivity as a hostage with her husband Jon. She had inscribed my copy with her bold, loving handwriting, acknowledging our kinship and our shared quest.
Sadly, I never heard Camilla telling her story ‘live’. But rereading her book I am gripped by the way that her words were written during captivity ‘in tiny pencilled letters’ on paper ‘balanced on a Russian/English dictionary’. They were then sewn into the soles of shoes and the lining of a belt. They express a ‘struggle to connect with the source of love while facing fear’.
She writes of the tools that helped them to survive, which I also practice and hold dear: ‘Yogic and tai chi practices, meditation and a belief in the power of prayer and love.’
They held circles of prayer, keeping their family alive in their hearts, feeling their love from afar. They aspired to ‘plant seeds of light’ in the dark, isolation of captivity. Her body was raped. Yet the tiny words, that also survived, speak of a profound, imaginative creativity, a deep generosity of spirit, a lightness of being, this continues in our hearts, nourishing the evolving direction of The Forgiveness Project.
I wept in recognition when I read these words of compassion at the heart of our work: We had seen the effects of war on the children and now we are beginning to see the trauma in the men. They’ve spent two years fighting, coping with the blood, guts and death of friends and family, surviving on little sleep and often little or no food. They have not had the time or the means to deal with their anger and sadness.
A memory of plunging into a mountain stream together, naked, during a visit to our home in Mid-Wales leaves the fragrance of a spirit as light and bright as a feather. Now, the phrase ‘Embrace Tiger and return to Mountain’ comes strongly to mind, from the practice of Tai Chi.
And back to the book and the words of Jon’s bedtime prayer which they whispered to each other:
So we lie down and raise a palm to the ceiling. We give thanks for this day, For the food we have eaten, For the water we have drunk, For the air that we breathe,And for the love and light we have received,We give thanks for this day. Words and reflections from more of our storytellers
“I will remember Camilla for many things.
Nights in Shaftesbury, telling her off for drinking a few glasses of wine (and driving).
Days in Guys Marsh, holding the group of men with her unique style of storytelling.
Dave, Camilla and myself laughing (and crying) over our days work, work we loved.
Our chats, long into the night, the Railway Hotel in Peterborough, the beginning.
She spoke about life, family, her love for Jon. And now the physical Camilla has gone. But in our hearts you will remain.
So, mate, wherever the journey has taken you, I truly appreciate you and hope that we meet again.” - Peter Woolf
"Camilla’s life is a life that I will hold dear for all of my life. Camilla’s life will both guide me and hold me when days are dark. Camilla showed me that no matter how dark life gets, no matter what pain it brings we can all find light, love and forgiveness." - Gethin Jones
“I never met Camilla in person, but her radiating spirit still managed to shine through in our Zoom, email and telephone exchanges to touch me deeply. Her smile and laughter were infectious, lightening weight or darkness for others just as she had done for herself to survive traumatic captivity. She was one of those truly beautiful souls that make the world a more hopeful, beautiful place. And I trust her memory will continue to do so for all who encountered her. “ - Angela Findlay
“When I think of Camilla, I see her gentle, radiant presence, always warm and giving, despite her own suffering. Her sweet, childlike giggle feels like a melody I'll carry with me, filling my heart whenever she comes to mind.” - Anne-Marie Cockburn
“Camilla was such a kind soul. I remember our time together working in various prisons around the country. Outside of the work, I recall our wonderful conversations about life and thinking about how to find more joy in the world.” - Jason Grant